Recorded by scholars studying the life of K’tek.
The group set their first step into the Black Wash. An endless expanse of hardened black lava stretched seemingly all the way to some place that I’m supposed to know about in this universe that’s far away from here, like Tagaria or Fubungia or some other shit fucking fantasy name . The suns rays beat upon their brows as every step seemingly became heavier and more painful. K’tek was not as bothered by the heat because he was a fucking bad-ass lava dude and all these other guys were all weak and meaty, except for that crystal guy what’s his face, but even he was being a wuss and was heating up. Fucking guy made of crystal and he can’t take the heat?! WTF? well anyway K’tek is a boss and everyone should have been happy he was there to lay down some AOE badassery on a bunch of suckers if need be.
Why were all of the Urikite scouts that were sent to the Black Wash showing up on the backs of milk cartons? The group was about to find out. There were tons of precious obsidian to be had and money maketh the man walketh onto the lavaeth, it is said. After many hours of perilous treading through the otherworldly, almost supernatural terrain, our hero K’tek and the dorks he was with came upon the most wretched sight! A troupe of Urikite corpses dried to a crisp after months being battered by the gigantic crimson sun’s onslaught. But how were they killed, and why? Clearly it must have been the Smoking Crown. No matter, they looted their jerked husks and continued on there way.
Again, after what seemed like an eternity of traveling through the perilous molten expanse, our heros come upon another batch o’ corpses. However, these corpses were different. They were Smoking Crown Initiates! While everyone was being a moron and trying to find Newports in their pockets, K’tek ruminated in deep thought and with great care and intelligence as to why Smoking Crown Initiates would have been killed on their own turf? Why would they have come out here? That’s when K’tek, being as fashionable as he was brilliant and powerful, noticed a sick pair of volcano gauntlets on the corpse of Adwa, his boy that he used to be in a gang with. He put them on and he was like “FUCKING RAD” but no one noticed or cared. Everyone else muttered around their corpses looking under rocks and carving their names into ash and generally being stupid, but it was time to go. No 40s were to be tipped on this day.
And there was some more Urikite bodies and it was fucking hot and we got some more cool stuff. Listen, the point is that there was a bunch of dead guys and we were all like “OH SHIT WHO DID THIS LOL”, that’s the basic gist…
While the rest of the troupe puttered around, ran into shit, screamed nonsense to each other and were just generally moronic, K’tek though to himself, “Our enemy be not Urikite, nor Smoking Crown. Nay, may they be even of the living world?”. Clearly, K’tek was on the ball while everyone else breathed through their mouths and picked their noses.
It’s only when they came upon a massacre, 12 bodies, all of Urikite rank that shit started to get dark. The midday sun mocked them. It had been a long day and rest was needed. Just as the group settled in their makeshift tents a cataclysmic rumble rolled through the mirrored, sun-scorched ground. Smoke and hot ash shot through the earth as charred, bony hands clamored through the fissured ground. It was only when the dust settled and the shaking subsided that the group was surrounded by an army of undead, roasted, pissed-off Urikite soldiers. K’tek was right!
The undead soldiers shambled towards the group with a fervor in their eyes that could not be matched by even the most devout Initiate. “Why did you kill us?” the soldiers asked in howling, gurgling tones, which was a stupid question. You morons signed up to fight Initiates on the side of an active volcano, you really shouldn’t be surprised. Clearly the undead were not very smart, and also had enormous senses of entitlement. But who cared, it was AOE o’clock and K’tek was on time as usual. That’s when K’tek blasted the shit out of these punk asses and beat everyone at the same time while the rest of the group, Bost, Dealsey, Joe, and that other guy stood in helpless amazement as K’tek put the block on lock. This of course, was his house, and he reminded everyone of this fact in a fiery wave of domination.
As the last whiny entitled undead beef jerky stick fell to the ground, Bost was eager to have a campfire and hang out, which was a stupid idea and everyone thought so, so the group gave Bost a wedgie and split.
Onward to Bloodyfoot, the mystery had been solved, for now.